A dear friend of mine sought my advice regarding an issue her 17 year old son was facing. He attended a prominent youth academy which placed him at a company to gain work experience (on a non-salaried basis). He worked as a graphic designer, creating some of the publicity needed for the firm’s marketing campaigns and events. A year after his tenure at the academy he was approached by the director of that company and asked if he would design a logo and a brochure. Apart from a promissory gesture by the director to introduce him to his contacts, no payment was offered. The teenager gladly did the work; but things soon became sour when the director became evasive every time the subject of introducing him to his contacts was raised. At the same time he put the boy under scathing pressure to complete the work to a tight deadline.

His mother was understandably concerned that her son was being taken advantage of and prepared a ‘well crafted’ letter to send to the director. However, mindful not to jeopardise potential opportunities for her son, she decided to seek my advice before sending it, due to my years of experience in the creative industry. As she described the case to me I was able to confirm that her son was indeed being taken advantage of. This company usually pays for designers to do their work and the director was using her son to avoid the expense of design fees. She had every right to be upset at how her son was being treated and the company director was deserving of a good ‘ticking’ off.  However, I was still apprehensive about her sending the letter (yet) as I too shared her initial concerns about jeopardizing his future. No matter how diplomatic or well crafted her letter was, the fact that it was coming from his mother (seen to be the lioness) could’ve resulted in the director distancing himself and his company from her son and any possible trouble associated with him. Instead I decided to look at the situation from a different perspective and sought to give another meaning to this situation.

Her son was just starting out in his career and oftentimes designers work on a freelance basis where the ability to sell oneself is key. I saw this situation as a golden opportunity for her son to gain some business acumen and negotiate with the director. From the caliber of work her son was commissioned to do, it became obvious that the director had confidence in his abilities and talent. This would serve as leverage for her son to demand design credits (if payment was not forthcoming) for the ongoing tasks and to negotiate suitable payment for future jobs. If the director disagreed, then a letter of complaint was due. She passed on my advice to her son who acted accordingly. Two weeks later I was delighted to hear that he was successful in obtaining what he asked for, birthing the beginning of business relationship with the company.

Opportunities do not always come in attractive packages. The picture that adversity paints is not necessarily as gloomy as it seems. You posses the ability to look at the imagery of dire circumstances and frame it with a meaning that empowers you. No circumstance is set in stone and it’s impact on you is subject only to the definition you give to it. There are situations beyond our control; but the meaning we give to them is key, as it is responsible for how we feel about it. How we feel determines our actions, and all actions  have a consequence. Therefore, meaning controls outcome! The good thing is that you can choose or even create the meaning you want to give to any circumstance you face. Debt problems can serve as a lesson in financial management. Divorce can serve as a powerful medium for re-evaluation and self discovery. No matter how ugly the situation, its impact on you is subject only to the meaning you give to it.

Your mind will always seek to find a meaning to any given situation. Unfortunately, by default, the mind leans toward pessimism, hence the initial tendency of thinking the worst in any given situation. We must make a conscious effort to train our minds to think on things that will empower rather than discourage us. A well trained mind that seeks to find the good in any given situation is a mind that can steer you to a life of success.

The most powerful way of training your mind to explore and find meanings that will empower you is to see things from a ‘winning’ perspective. A winning perspective is where you see yourself in a position where you have the advantage. It is where you see yourself as the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. When you see yourself as always having the advantage, your only dilemma is deciding how you want to win.

In conclusion, never let an offense cloud your judgment. Always keep your eye on the big picture and the end goal. When faced with situations that seek to dis-empower you, look for or create an alternative meaning that puts power back in your hands. When you do this, a raft of opportunities will be revealed to you that you would not have otherwise seen.

The first thing you must realize is that nobody can make you do what you do not want to do. Even in the most dire of situations, where there seems to be no choice, you always have the power to choose how you want to respond. Many have come to the conclusion that we are the product of our environment, our society or even our genetic code. But the truth is we are the product of our chosen response to our environment, society and any situation that we ​have encountered. For many this statement may seem very condemning, especially if they ​blame society, racism, injustice, poverty, family breakdown or other bad experiences for ​their shortcomings. Although these things have a powerful impact upon us, nothing can rob us of choice. In other words we cannot control (to an extent) the unexpected things that happen to us but we can control how we respond to it.

Choice has given us the power of self – control. An extreme and moving example of this can be found in Victor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning. This book is about Frankl’s experience in a concentration camp, a place designed for both physical and mental torture. Frankl wrote:

“…everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of human freedom – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s way. The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity – even in the most difficult circumstances – to add a deeper meaning to his life.”

Frankl was able to create a positive experience out of what life had handed out to him.

Jesus underlined the principle of self control when he said:

“you have heard that it was said, an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. But I say to you, do not resist the evil man; but if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other one too. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your coat also. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, to show that you are the children of your Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 5:38 – 41 and 44-45)

These examples are an indicator of the ‘power of choice’ each of us have, even over natural inclinations and reactions to insults and injustice. Someone hurts you, you hurt back. Someone shouts at you, you shout back. What you don’t realize is that by following this principle, you can be easily controlled because your reaction is so predictable.

You have the power to conduct our behavior according to our inner world (our spirit) of values, laws and principles rather than being controlled by external situations. These are principles, laws and values, which exemplifies the character of our true spiritual nature. Many of us are not at peace with ourselves because our outward behavior is not congruent with our true nature. This gives rise to, inner conflict, guilt, low self-esteem, criticism, blame, depression, anxiety, timidity ​and many other negative emotions. We must realize that these are symptoms of the brokenness caused when our actions are diametrically opposed to our true nature.

Through self-control we can eradicate many of these negative emotions and live happy and fulfilling lives. As a matter of fact, happiness is determined by the degree of control that we have in any given situation. The more control we have, the happier we are. Anytime you are not happy, upon evaluation you will find it is because you lack of control over a situation.

Therefore the path to self control and true happiness is first found when you get in touch with your core values, beliefs and principles and allow this to be the determining factor for all your decisions and conduct. This is the principle centered lifestyle. A principle-centered lifestyle will attract into your life all that you desire that is congruent with what you value. Principle centered living helps you to make decisions that will not take you away from your core values. If one of your core values is spending quality time with your family, accepting a job that pays well, but insists on long working hours will invite turmoil into your life. Principle centered living enables you to determine what you want out of life and the criteria for all achievements. This in turn gives you a great deal of control of your life and more fulfillment.

Once you are clear about your core values and beliefs, the next step is to live responsibly. Responsibility is the acknowledgement of your influence in any given situation. Many people use blame to justify their inadequacies, experiences or lack of progress in life. Blame never solves problems; it only creates guilt, division and animosity. Blame allows us to play the role of the victim. Blame gives us justification for remaining exactly where we are for the rest our lives. How many of us still blame partners from past relationships for making our life miserable. How many of us are blaming our employers for not getting promoted. How many of us are blaming our children for not being able to pursue a career.

The truth is we are responsible for all that we experience in life. Please note that I did not say you are responsible for everything that happens to you, but for what you experience. What you experience is determined by the meaning you give to any given situation. As meanings come under your sphere of influence, you are therefore responsible for what you experience. The reason why you are in a dead-end job, or a destructive relationship, or unemployed is because consciously or unconsciously that is what you have chosen. As harsh as that statement sounds, it is also very liberating. If you are responsible for your own misery then it stands to reason that you are responsible for your own happiness. Taking responsibility puts you in the seat of control. As a business owner, I take responsibility for everything that goes right or wrong within my sphere of control. If one of my staff fails to do something correctly, I ask myself, did I communicate what I wanted effectively? Have I provided the necessary tools to get the job done? Should I have fired this person months ago? Taking responsibility allows me to make the necessary changes for the better. If I just blamed others ​when things go wrong then I make no progress.

​​Many people have a great expectancy of their partner or spouse to provide their happiness. This can be a great burden as human beings by nature are not 100% reliable. Also this type of behavior depletes the relationship. Taking responsibility for your own happiness gives you a greater sense of security and self worth, which in turn helps you to add to the relationship and make it stronger. The next time you get angry with your wife, husband or partner ask yourself, “What am I not doing in my life, that I could be doing, that I am blaming him/her for not doing for me?”

In taking responsibility, it is important not to blame yourself for past failures. It is a waste of your time and energy to punish yourself for past actions. If you adopt the attitude that each of us do the best that we can, according to our level of maturity and knowledge, you will stop blaming yourself. Instead, take responsibility by making sure you learn from your mistakes and gain the necessary experience or knowledge to aid your progress. As mentioned before, you are responsible for your reactions to any given situation. This may seem difficult to believe until you understand what Stephen Covey calls the space of time between stimuli and response. In other words, there was a space of time between someone cutting you off while you were driving and the volley of strong language that proceeded out of your mouth! It is in this space of time that we can make decisions about how we are going to respond.

By becoming more self aware and staying in touch with your core values and beliefs, you will be able to widen the gap between stimuli and response and make choice decisions regarding your response. In the face of challenging obstacles you have the power to choose your response and your attitude. Be yourself and do not copy the reactions of others. A bad situation does not justify discarding your core values and beliefs.

A principle centered lifestyle coupled with responsible living is the formula for achieving great fulfillment. Make the decision to eradicate every excuse or reason for not achieving your goals, by taking responsibility and therefore control of your life.

By taking control of your reactions, you have the ability to create a positive experience out of any situation. Remember that no one can make you do what you do not want to do. I will close with a quote from Ghandi:

“No body can take my self respect unless I give it to them”

The Map is not the Territory!

To give further light on how assumptions are derived, let us look at a map. A map is an artist’s impression of a geographical location. The map is merely an illustrative representation it is not reality. The map is not the territory! The map overlooks reams of information in order to present a simplified version of the territory that we can comprehend. Similarly, in order to make sense of the world around you, your mind presents to you its’ own artistic impression of what is around you. However, you will never capture all of the complexities of all that is happening around you. Sight is a function of your mind, not your eyes. Your eyes merely serve as a window, but only your mind is capable of defining the images you see through the window. Like a map your mind overlooks a large quantity of information in order to present to you only what is relevant and within your comprehension. You will not see beyond your comprehension. Therefore, your conclusions are self created and may not actually reflect what actually happened! None of us are in the position to see the whole picture in full clarity.

The Things We Believe

How does your mind determine what is represented to you? Well, in order to handle the vast amount of information that you encounter on a daily basis, the human mind (on a subconscious level) only presents to you the things that support your beliefs and values and rejects anything else. For example, if through painful past hurts you have come to the conclusion that all men are cheats or all women are gold diggers – your mind will actively seek for what it would consider ‘evidence’ to support that claim and overlook the ‘evidence’ that does not support that belief.

​​​We can now see why Jesus said divorce is the result of hardness of heart! When couples ​refuse to question the validity of their own assumptions and continually make decisions based on those assumptions it inevitably results in the destruction of the relationship.

Carry out this simple exercise:

Count every ‘ F ‘ in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI

FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH

THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS…

HOW MANY? We’ll look at your answer later on.

Distorted Thinking

The meaning we give to any particular event is derived by our own distorted viewpoint and thinking (distortions). Therefore no two people see things in the same way. Even if they were standing together looking at the same thing, each would see something different and draw differing conclusions about what they saw. Distorted thinking does not mean you are warped or twisted. We all look at the world through unique filters, which give us our own perception of reality. These filters are derived by the facets of our personality such as values, beliefs, goals, drivers (the things that motivate you) and principles. Therefore the way you see the world is a reflection of who you are!

The key to exposing hardness of heart is to identify and question our assumptions. In order to do that, we must be aware of our own distortions. These come to light especially when we are upset and experiencing pain. The following are common distortions that influence how we interpret situations:

Personalization:

taking valid comments as personal insults or blaming yourself for something you cannot control.

All or nothing thinking:

seeing events in extreme terms and allowing no room for shades of grey or middle ground.

Magnification and minimization:

exaggerating the negative and minimizing the positive.

​Catastrophizing:

imagining or assuming the worst case scenario.

Over-Generalization:

drawing sweeping conclusions based on a single event

Our distortions lead us to jump over a great deal of logic and common sense in order to reach extreme conclusions. These conclusions spawn painful and destructive emotions culminating in a behavioral response that leads to severe consequences.

​

The Cycle of Emotional Bondage

All painful and emotionally charged situations go through a sequence of events, which if left ​uninterrupted spirals into an ongoing cycle of destructive behavior as highlighted below.

1. The event or experience

2. Your interpretation of the event (using distorted thinking)

3. The meaning you give to the event  (derived from distorted thinking)

4. Emotional response to your meaning

5. Behavioral response to your emotion (verbal or physical abuse, self abuse, rash decisions, sexual vice etc.)

6. The consequence of your behavior

7. Leading to another event (retaliation, punishment, divorce, separation, loss of job etc.)

No doubt there are some of you who are totally convinced that your viewpoint and your interpretation of events are totally correct. As far as you are concerned there is no need to question what you believe to be true; it’s all there in black and white. Let’s look at your answer to our simple brainteaser.

How many F’s did you count?

Obviously the answer is 3 right?

Wrong!

Did you see 4?

That’s good, but still wrong.

There are actually 6 F’s!! Don’t believe me? Go back and try to find the F’s before you read on………

Anyone who sees all six the first time is a genius. If you originally saw three, don’t despair your normal!

Why didn’t you see all 6 F’s the first time? It is because your mind did not process the word ‘OF”. Your mind actually ‘skipped’ this word, as it was not needed to understand the sentence you were reading. For the majority of us the word ‘OF’ is unimportant. Incredible, but this is how your mind works. This is not a magic trick or mass hypnosis!

You were so certain there were only 3 F’s but now you can see 6. With this in mind look at the conflicts you are experiencing, especially in your marriage or any other relationship. Are the facts really as you see (interpret) them. Or are there things that your mind has overlooked because it was not considered important?

The reverse is also true. There are things we put too much emphasis on that really does not warrant our attention. Simple actions, simple words that should be taken at face value are looked into too deeply, often leading to extreme conclusions. Do you really want people to walk on eggshells around you? You will never achieve intimacy in a relationship where this is the norm.